Welcome back, Trader Joe’s

“You know who you look like?” the Trader Joe’s cashier asks.

I want to say me. I look like me. But I’ve been in this situation enough times to know they usually mean someone famous.

“Gabe Kaplan,” the cashier says.

I’m shocked. First, he didn’t give me a chance to guess. Second, Gabe Kaplan had a mustache but no beard, so I’m obviously dealing with a guy who thinks all Jewfros look alike.

“You know who I’m talking about, right?”

“Sure do. Gabe Kaplan. Welcome Back, Kotter.”

“You remember that show?”

The question is directed at his coworker, who bags the groceries. He’s never heard of Welcome Back, Kotter.

The cashier sings the Welcome Back, Kotter theme song. It doesn’t ring a bell.

“I’m going to tell my wife I met Gabe Kaplan,” the cashier says.

Clearly, this man is a liar. But what he tells his wife isn’t my concern.

“Make sure you tell her he hasn’t aged at all since the ’70s,” I say.

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