Monique calls to offer me some home upgrades at a discount.
“I love discounts!”
“Everyone does,” Monique says with a laugh.
“Because you get more for less,” I say.
“Yes. Well, I’m calling to inform you about these discounts on upgrades for your home. Do you need any upgrades?”
“Like a new big screen TV. Like a 70-inch behemoth.”
“That’s not an upgrade to your home, sir.”
“I’m confused. It’s certainly an upgrade to my current TV, and I plan on putting the new one in my home, assuming the discount is right, Monique.”
“Yes, well it’s not the kind of home upgrade that we do.”
“Oh. What do you offer?”
“We offer upgrades like a new roof, or landscaping.”
“Wait a minute,” I say. “The landscaping is outside the home.”
“It still counts as a home upgrade.”
“Even though it’s outside?”
“So it’s kind of like if I got a new pair of pants and people said, ‘Michael you’ve really upgraded yourself.’ But of course, you and I both know, Monique, that the pants are outside of me, just like the landscaping is outside my house.”
“That’s way too specific, sir.”
“Sorry, I’ll try and stay on point.”
“Good. What kind of upgrades are you interested in, for your home?”
“I’m having a phone issue.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, but we can’t do anything about your phone.”
“I disagree, Monique. The issue is that your telemarketing firm keeps calling me, even though I keep telling you that I don’t own a home, and therefore will not need any upgrades, despite your generous discounts.”
There is silence.
“I think we can help you with that,” Monique says.