Rambling bullshit

I rent, but the man on the phone says he can save me a lot of money on my mortgage.

“Do you know what your interest rate is, Michael?”

“It’s about 84 percent. No 85.”

“Why so much?”

“It’s a complicated story,” I say. “I signed a lot of documents with all the wrong people. It’s one of those adjustable rates, but it goes up whenever certain pro sports teams lose. It may also adjust with the weather, I’m not sure. There was a lot of fine print.”

“Oh.”

“I also lost a lot of money investing in energy drinks, you know how that goes.”

“Certainly. Do know what your balance is?”

“A lot. Like hundreds of millions. I don’t have an exact figure.”

“That’s ok. Do you know how much the property is worth?”

“Two million!”

“Ok. We can help you, Michael.”

“Outstanding. I’ve been waiting for this call.”

“Now, it’s just the one mortgage, correct?”

“No, I have eight mortgages.”

“Eight?”

“Yes, but they’re all with the same company.”

“So how much do you owe total, counting all eight?”

“Like a billion.”

“A billion against two million?”

“Correct! But I figure if I can refi down to 50 percent and other investments pan out, I should be good.”

“Michael, are you trying to pull my leg?”

“I wouldn’t say I’m trying so much as I’m succeeding.”

“Yes, you got me, Michael. Well done. You have a good day!”

“Talk again soon?”

“Sure.”

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