Thanks, deli counter guy

Some unsolicited advice from the guy behind the deli counter tonight. Use duct tape to open a jar that won’t budge.

“That way you don’t look like a wimp in front of your lady. You don’t want that, especially if it’s early in the relationship.”

Racism in your feed

I don’t go looking for hate speech online. There are better things to do with your time. But I do spend a lot of time scanning Twitter, especially in the middle of a major news story. It took me two clicks this evening to find a neo nazi. His profile tells readers:

  1. He’s totally comfortable with a Swastika for his background.
  2. Whoever made his Hitler-Obama picture opted to shade more toward Hitler; I’d say 65/35.
  3. He’s the proud father of a Marine.
  4. He’s “not a thinker,” so he “mostly just retweets.” (That may have been his attempt at humor, if so, it certainly falls under the funny b/c it’s true rule).

I mention this because I’ve been hearing a lot of people say that they aren’t seeing racism in their feeds. That’s great news! But the world is much bigger than your feed, and the racists and the neo nazis and all those who hate are speaking freely and often right now.

You don’t need glasses

This evening at the grocery store a woman stopped me to say that she had just had laser eye surgery.

“Good for you,” I said.

Then she told me that she interviewed a lot of doctors. None of them would give her a guarantee. But then she finally found one who would give her a guarantee — her vision would be perfect.

“Ok,” I said. “But what does a guarantee really mean on something like that?”

“It means he promises the surgery will work,” she said.

“Right. But what if it didn’t work?”

“But it did work. He guaranteed it!”


Something stinks at FSU

Something stinks at Florida State. Sadly, this latest story is a relatively small injustice compared to the other recent scandals surrounding FSU football. That said, given the total number incidents here two things are clear.

First, we need an independent law enforcement agency to investigate FSU and it’s football program.

Second, neither the local prosecutor’s office nor the Florida AG appear up for the job.

I voted (for you)

Leaving my polling location, and a stranger stopped to tell me that he voted for me.

I told him I wasn’t on the ballot and that a write-in was impossible since he didn’t know my name.

He told me that I was “dead wrong” and that intellectuals like me would be making a comeback this election.

I asked him why he thought I was an intellectual and why he thought I was worth voting for.

His answer to both questions: “the glasses, obviously.”

Drinking next to a big star

Two people at the bar next to me.

She’s decided to become an actress. She’s very excited about some upcoming auditions. But she’s also nervous because she doesn’t like being told what to do.

He thinks she’ll be a “big star” because she’s “larger than life.”

A brush with fame at In N Out

Went to In N Out for lunch today. A man came over to my table and introduced himself as Barack Obama’s cousin. He said he could make me famous.

I told him I didn’t want to be famous.

He told me everyone wanted to be famous, like his cousin.

I asked him why he wasn’t famous, like his cousin.

He moved on to the next table and gave them the same pitch. Apparently, the guys at that table did want to be famous because Barack’s cousin wrote his name and number on a napkin and told them to call next week.

Dying happy at the barbershop

Barber: What are you doing today?

Customer: Showing off my new hair cut.

Barber: That’s cool. What else?

Customer: Hmmm… well, then I’m going to the grocery store to buy some potato chips. Big day.

Barber: I know what you mean. I was chip shopping this weekend, but I couldn’t find the new Lays flavor, Wasabi ginger.

Customer: Those chemicals will kill you.

Barber: Yeah, we all gotta go. But I’m going happy.

Customer: Absolutely.

My wife’s gambling problem

Christina says she’s in a football pool at work.

“I pick with my heart. So it’s kind of like throwing ten bucks away.”

Good advice from dad

Never get into a fight with a man who has a cigar, a clove of garlic around his neck, and a gun in his back pocket.